Today my girl finished Kindergarten. I can hardly believe how quickly this year has flown by and how very much Tiger has changed in a handful of months. I am challenged by her on a daily basis: by the fact that her love is neither easily won nor to be taken for granted; by her inexhaustible hunger for silliness; and by the fact that she holds me to my own stated parenting ideals. I told Tigerlily when she was very small that I never wanted to say "Because I said so" (or any of its variants) because I always wanted to have a reason for the things I asked of her and that she had a right to know what those reasons were. Once, recently, on a day when I was absolutely exhausted and at the end of my tether I said to Tiger something along the lines of "just do it because I said so!" and she turned to me and said pointedly: "You said you never wanted to say that Mama." Quite.
On another day, I was fighting with her over eating a banana that was ever so slightly too ripe and I had managed to get her to eat half of it when she encountered a tiny bruise on its side. Suddenly she refused to eat any more and I found myself telling her that she absolutely had to eat the rest of it in a most dogmatic fashion. All of a sudden she started to cry and said, plainly, through her tears, "but you never make me eat something I don't like Mama." And it's true! When I am not at a point where I would trade my left fingernail for five minutes of sleep I do not believe in making her eat something she hates - frankly, what's the point?? But the point is that, even when I am not in a mood to appreciate it, Tiger makes me a better parent (according to my own rules of course).
Tigerlily does not pretend to like or love anyone. I struggle with this part of her personality because I know that the ability to make people think that you like them is a powerful and useful weapon in this world. I struggle with it even more because, sometimes, she doesn't pretend to like or love me. That is not to say that she does not leap into my arms with a hundred kisses; that she doesn't want to be with me as often as possible; or that she doesn't write me card after card telling me that she loves me. She does all these things and more but she also tells me quite plainly that when I am cross with her, or when she is angry with me, that she doesn't like me as much. In all honesty, I celebrate the fact that she can tell me this and that she feels so sure of herself that she will not bend for anyone (not even her mother) but I was deluded enought to think that I would have a good ten more years or so before I had to confront my child's shining autonomy.
Today, I wanted to take a photo of Tiger with her beloved teacher, Miss Shute. Tiger point-blank refused to do any such thing. I found myself on the brink of forcing her to pose for the picture when I paused and thought "Why do I want this picture?" I realised that I had some notion that she would like the memory recorded but I also realised that it really didn't matter - I have no such photo of me with my Kindergarten teacher and somehow I have survived just fine. So, in the spirit of Does It Really Matter, I let it go. Not surprisingly, we had a much easier afternoon because of that decision.
On the less positive front, last week I collected Tiger from school after the junior school Christmas concert. I said something to Moo about my shock that she was already finishing Kindergarten and she said "Don't be sad Mama, it's a good thing that I'm getting bigger." I replied "Of course it is honey and the amazing thing about you, Tiger, is that I can never be sad about you getting bigger because the bigger you get, the more awesome to get." Quick as a flash she replied "No, not awesome Mama, pretty." You know the old saying about 'cold chills' and 'spines'? Well, let's just say that my skeletal structure reached sub-Arctic temperatures and suddenly I was spouting off about the relative unimportance of and fleeting nature of 'prettiness'. It was not a good parenting moment by anyone's standards. I honestly do not know how to deal with this issue, how do I teach her that being pretty is not the be-all and end-all when everywhere she goes it is the very first thing that people notice about her??
Happily I can report that yesterday, when it was Mufty Day at school, Tiger was happy to go as something other than a 'princess', 'fairy', or 'ballerina'. She decided to go as a "super zebra" which basically consisted of her wearing a stripey dress with a black cape. As it turned out, when she dressed for school with Nicky, she decided that she was not, in fact, a super-zebra but a "winged monkey" from my show on the weekend:
Happily I can report that yesterday, when it was Mufty Day at school, Tiger was happy to go as something other than a 'princess', 'fairy', or 'ballerina'. She decided to go as a "super zebra" which basically consisted of her wearing a stripey dress with a black cape. As it turned out, when she dressed for school with Nicky, she decided that she was not, in fact, a super-zebra but a "winged monkey" from my show on the weekend:
This is a drawing that Tiger did after the
show on Saturday (I love that she included
a smiling poppy and that Dorothy has ruby
slippers but no arms...)
"She has no arms because I, the viscious
winged-monkey, ate them Mama."
I, for one, was surprised to discover that
even winged simians need to take public
transport from time to time.
I am not sure whether she is about to take
flight or break into a tap routine...
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